Should I try to help?

[GeoffM]

Cliffs: Should I warn my GFs dad that his family wants a divorce?

I actually don't want to type the whole story either. They've been asking me for help for over a year. My mom went through a divorce. I hated the guy, and he wasn't biological. Their's is, and the reason a divorce hasn't happened (according to what I've been told) is she can't afford the mortgage payment.
I remember what sort of bullshit we had to go through. I don't really want to have any part in that. I've seen him be very nice, and I've seen him shut right the fuck up when I came in the house(could hear the argument from outside).

So, to me it seems like if they put forward effort they might be able to fix it.
Should I stand by and watch, or go suggest to him that he needs to do.....{Your suggestion}?

[Leung]

i'm gonna go out on a limb and say no. it's none of your business as you're not a real part of that family. Sure you might be dating one of the daughters but still that doesn't mean you ought to go sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Just keep going out with the daughter and comfort her when the shit hits the fan but don't go beyond that point of being the BF.

[toycar]

I have a saying I live by that applies to problems with other people.


"Let people be people, they will screw themselves eventually"



Shit works. One way or the other, it will work out. You cannot lose if you don't play, so basically, don't get involved.


My opinion

[deevergote]

Yeah, it's really not your place to get involved, unless both parents come to you for help (and honestly... if they're approaching their daughter's college-age boyfriend for help, there's already a problem!)

If someone legitimately involved discusses it with you, suggest counseling. It may fix things, it may not... but it's the best way to explore all options. A good marriage counselor will either help them repair their relationship, or help them see that it has run its course, and guide them to a peaceful resolution. Regardless, it'll likely make for a much easier situation for everyone.
That would be my advice... but keep that suggestion to yourself until someone asks you directly. You shouldn't be included in their private matters at all... but if they DO include you, it wouldn't be overstepping to suggest counseling.


DO NOT go say "Hey Mr Dadguy... I just wanted to warn you that your wife is seriously considering leaving you. You might want to do something about that!"
If I recall, this is the same guy you almost knocked the fuck out a few months ago...

[GeoffM]

DO NOT go say "Hey Mr Dadguy... I just wanted to warn you that your wife is seriously considering leaving you. You might want to do something about that!"
If I recall, this is the same guy you almost knocked the fuck out a few months ago...

This is exactly what I was looking for.
The whole thing, but this was the question I was asking at length.

You recall correctly.

[deevergote]

Years ago, before my time, one of my dad's group of friends had a cheating wife. Everyone knew it. Nobody said anything. My dad's best friend (a total loudmouth) decided to tell the guy his wife was running around on him.
The dude decked him. He and his wife stayed married. He knew. He cared. But it was HIS business, for HIM to deal with... not for others to get involved with.

You won't be doing him any favors by trying to help. If he doesn't already know his marriage is falling apart, then perhaps he deserves to have it happen. It may sound cruel... but if you're that disconnected from reality, and your family is miserable, you SHOULD be left behind!

[cb7pr]

Yeah, dont do it.

My in-laws run their lives knowing that its not the right way, but they dont seem to care. As much as I want to say something, I bite my tongue because its not my business. I try to stay away from giving advice too; like stated above, I'll point them to help, or counseling.

As long as it doesnt affect my family or myself, they can go about their own business.

Your GF's parents will figure out what will work for them, good/bad outcome, at the end of the day they are Adults, and have to live by their choices.

[SOHC-FTW]

Do it, people in life need to stop sugar coating shit. This ain't the state fair.

[GeoffM]

All good responses, now let me throw in this:
At what point should I physically intervene? At what point should I ignore his demands that I leave in heated situations (similar to the last thread).
We(GF and I) discussed it, if it it's to the point that I need to intervene then he should leave.
Whether it's him leaving voluntarily or in the back of a police car is up to him.
And what do I do in the meantime if the cops do get called?
Some of this is a mix between when my mom got divorced and things that have actually happened at their house.

True story: He goes through 24 beers a day, between 4ish (When he gets home from work) and 11 ish when he goes to bed.

After typing that, I decided to black it out. It throws in a personal element, which will affect any advice given. Since it's blacked out, you won't accidentally read it if you didn't want a personal element.

[ChIoVnIdCa]

Their's is, and the reason a divorce hasn't happened (according to what I've been told) is she can't afford the mortgage payment.

Yeah ... I would tell him based on this.. No matter how much of a shit head he may or not be

[reklipz]

The best you can do is pressure someone who is immediately involved into doing something about it. If there's abuse going on, and you're aware, I suppose this could be grounds to inform the police. But, if that is the case, it sounds like you have direct contact with the people involved; it would be wiser to persuade them to do something about it. If it persists tot he point that someone is in real danger and they're to afraid/scared to do something about it, then perhaps you should help them out, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Note, this is just an example scenario; I have no idea what the real issue is, but the idea above could be applied to other scenarios as well. If no one is getting hurt, you're better off staying out of it.

Just my $0.02. Sounds like a shitty situation; your GF is lucky.

[Macaqueistrong]

I would intervene.

Simply because relationship problems can lead to bad things. She's still with him just for financial reasons, He's still with her for who knows why. You hear them arguing from outside and once inside the arguing stops. The father has the potential to be in police custody if shit hits the fan, and you could be physically involved in an altercation. Do they have life insurance on each other? Are either of them violent?

I would hate to think that someone died, or was arrested, or murdered, or had their life ruined because of something that I knew but was too worried about the consequences it would bring to even speak up about it.

[SEgirl]

I don't know the whole story, but if there's any level of domestic violence going on in there, I would tread very carefully as intervening could make things worse, especially if he gets wind that she's thinking of leaving him. One would like to think that a scare like that would make someone start acting right, but it can have an opposite effect as well.

BTW, I'm a licensed counselor who does a lot of marital counseling, including working with domestic violence victims and offenders.