*Rant* Am I wrong?

[LadyG]

Most of you know I am a Mom.

My BF now was my HS sweetheart; He is good to my older boys, he is good to me, and we just had a baby. My oldest two sons are the product of a Man who is not actively involved. This is a rant about that Man, the nefarious "EX".

When The EX and I split up (about 6yrs ago) He moved first to Utah. He had family that was willing to take him in. For one year after we split, he had the kids. I retained custody; we called it an extended visitation. (In documents filed that have since become invalid.)

He did a shitty job with the boys. After his family got sick of him abusing their good graces and found him his own apt. I received multiple calls from his family “letting me know” about him repeatedly leaving my children with inadequate supervision; especially upsetting because I was 2500 miles away. While he had these kids, I flew out there four times. Each birthday, and twice more; every time I came out, I came with money. I took care of whatever the boys needed at the time; even if it was dishtowels for the kitchen. (So he would stop cleaning up kitchen messes with the same towels he washed my babies with.)

I worked my ass off while they were gone. I got out of my mom’s unfinished garage (where the boys and I had been living when I let The Ex take them) I got a job, and then a better job that would support my family, I found a cute little house to rent; I bought a car. (My CB)

When I got to Utah to bring them home, I found that he had rented the boy’s bedroom to a couple. Neither of whom had good dental hygiene, and I‘m sure he was screwing the dude’s gf.

For four months after I brought them back to Fl, he paid me $100 a month in child support. (“Its all I can afford “ He says. While I was paying 400/mo for childcare alone.) Then he lost his job, and moved to Cali. He paid NOTHING from 1/07, until 7 months ago.

Roughly about the time he got remarried.

Once again, $100 is all he can afford. In the past 7 months he has actually paid that 3 times without some kind of problem. It has not shown up at all 2 of these months. But Money aside; Nothing came for the eldest’s birthday this Feb. He calls irregularly. Forgets about the time difference and calls them after they have gone to bed. He has not physically seen them in over 2 yrs.

And then last week, we had a txt fight, because after nothing came for the eldest’s birthday, I have stopped answering the phone for him. I am sick of having to “do” for him when it comes to HIS relationship with my sons.

He started threatening me, talking about taking my boys away; but what really hurt my feelings was him saying that my boys would hate me for “interfering” in their relationship.
I believe I am protecting them from becoming overly attached to this Man.

Our relationship was abusive in more than one way, and He is a Felon. Also, he COULD NOT keep his pants on, and to my knowledge did not “cheat up”. (UUhhggg.)
I know that he has not truly “changed” shit other than location and women. However, it hurts my feelings to be called a mean, ugly woman.

Please, only respond if you have something actionable to say. You don’t have to agree with me, but please don’t flame.
Thanks.
/rant.

[Ralphie]

I don't mind being blunt.

I think he's a pos and doesn't deserve you or your kids time.

Sounds like your doing what you should be.

Keep it up, they will chesish you forever for it.

[Accrdwgnguy]

Bad Dad, happens. A chick I work with, she is "stuck" with her ex's child, because she adopted him while they were together, and had a child with him as well. Well she finally got sick of his BS and cheating, broke up with him. But he didn't want his kid, and neither did the mother, so now he's her child. F-d up if you ask me, but shes perfectly ok with the situation.

I say you tell him to pay up and stop being an asshole, or file paperwork to terminate his legal rights to be the kids' parent. I mean, he isn't there for the kids in any form anyways, bare minimum child support, if paid at all, and can't even be bothered to send a card for a birthday. A judge would certainly rule in your favor if there was a custody dispute.

Even tho i'm not into the kid thing, I hate it when people dont take care of a kid, and then use him/her to get something out of the ex/other parent. Its just not right, that is a human being that doesn't know any better. IMHO, I would cut the guy off, terminate his rights as a parent, He doesn't deserve it and I wouldn't want my kid to grow up to be that guy.

[GeoffM]

How old are your boys? My I have a brother and two sisters. One of the sisters is from my stepdad and is a good 12 years younger then me. Back in 2005, when my parents got divorced, my stepdad was pulling something similar to your ex. My mom kept saying that once my sister got older, she would start to realize the differences between our house and his house. And that eventually, she would not want to go there. I listened to this, because it sounded like a good plan, but had started to waver lately because of the length of time it was taking. Then she started saying things along the lines of "I like it better here" "Nobody treats me like shit here" (paraphrased) "I can stay up past 730" "I have friends here" "People can spell correctly here". I was VERY happy!(she knows I don't like the guy).

So, what I'm trying to say, is that eventually your kids will start to grow up and see the differences between you and your ex. In the mean time, RECORD EVERYTHING. Get a good lawyer. My moms moved around a couple of times. For some reason he can only pay x amount (x is VERY low) but can still go buy a house, another truck (2), a boat, a motorcycle, and put in a pond.

[h22sparkle]

Your best bet would be to stop fighting with him. Just leave him be if he comes to visit his children do it but make sure it is a supervised visitation with family not too far away. Never can tell if he may start some non-sense.

Iv'e been in relationships where children are involved. When things get out of hand especially with friends or supposed friends you knew for a long time and they change,just leave em.

Dont argue with them dont fight with them just leave its better that way. That is why I choose not to have kids now and im financially stable just enjoying my life freely comfortably with no issues. If you dont let the boys visit depending on how bad it is they may actually hate you for that.

But if you know things are serious and he may corrupt the boys just dont let him see them. Or do a vid chat from a distance to let him talk to them over the vidchat on a vid cam that's it. It makes no sense to down him either..... remember I know in instances like this im not saying your wrong ,im not saying he's wrong theres two sides to every story.

[LadyG]

Keep it up, they will cherish you forever for it.

Thanks hon!

he didn't want his kid, and neither did the mother, so now he's her child.
I know guy who "Manned Up" like that. Makes me madder at the Ex.
I say you tell him to pay up and stop being an asshole, or file paperwork to terminate his legal rights to be the kids' parent. A judge would certainly rule in your favor if there was a custody dispute.
He doesnt know that I have already filed for CS in Fl, because the state cant "find" him to serve him. When we fought he was threatening to get custody of the boys. It would actually screw him worse if he attempted to do something that dumb. He would not succeed in taking them from me, but he would establish visitation. He would be required to pay a real support payment(or go to jail), and would have to come to Fl regularly to see them. I don't want that to happen, because my boys already think he is the bee's knees. I dont tell them different, but it makes me want to vomit.
IMHO, I would cut the guy off, terminate his rights as a parent, He doesn't deserve it and I wouldn't want my kid to grow up to be that guy.I really wish it was that simple. If file abandonment I would have to stretch the truth in a few ways, for the judge to terminate rights. And it is already a difficult thing to do.

How old are your boys? (6 and 8) My mom kept saying that once my sister got older, she would start to realize the differences between our house and his house. And that eventually, she would not want to go there. This is what My mom says to do also, but being that he is in Cali, they don't have the ability to really know how he lives. I hope that this is the case. I am aware at some point they will want to know what kind of man he is. That scares me too. I think they assume he lives like we do, they have not had the opportunity to see different. They were 2 and 4 when they left Utah. The don't remember much.
So, what I'm trying to say, is that eventually your kids will start to grow up and see the differences between you and your ex. In the mean time, RECORD EVERYTHING. Get a good lawyer.He told me that he "got a layer" (his wife's best friend's husband) and that "I should be very careful." ^^^As I explained before, this isn't much of a threat.

[4U2H8ME]

It's an ugly thing when a relationship goes bad, and worse when children are invloved and both parties are on bad terms. I can't speak from personal experience, but I do know close friends and family members that have gone through this.
Is the child support set up through the courts, or is this something that was set up as a word of mouth deal. If it was through the courts, then you can easily prove that he has been delinquent. His texts to you, forward them to your email and get copies of your phone bill in order to match the time and dates he's messaged you. Also do the same thing with the after hours phone calls that he make to speak to the kids when they're asleep. I tell you to do this cause if things begin to go really bad and he drags you into court, or begins to threaten you, you'll already have the needed documentation to cover yourself in court as well as get a restraining order if need be.
good luck to you.

[LadyG]

^^^other than my filing child support with the state, there is nothing in the court system. But that strengthens my position. He is also across the continent, which makes somethings better, and others worse.

If he came to see them in Fl, as he did about 2 years ago, he could see them.
I have allowed that. He has to have a place to stay, and a vehicle to come get them/bring them back.
He actually brought them back early to go drinking with some of his Fl buddies, the first time he visited. He hadnt seen his kids in a year, at that point.
The second time he borrowed his friend's motorcycle to get around with, and picked up the boys from daycare on it. No helmets, one zipped into the front of his jacket, the other belted to his back. I called my best friend, hoping she would get there first, and take them to the hotel he was staying at. She missed him. He parked the bike around the corner, so the daycare people didn't see this. He didn't think he did anything wrong.
sheeeeiiiiiit.

[HenRoc]

Your not in the wrong at all, your just doing whats best for your kids and it seems like you went thru hoops for this guy and he didnt take notice.

My old man cut me off years ago, but when I turned 25 I got a random email from him..lets just say thats the last time I'll ever hear from him.

I hate dead beat dads and he sounds like he truly is one.

Your doing the right thing (whats your real name?) LadyG.

Provide a better life for your boys..and they'll appreciate it as they get older.

[LadyG]

Thank you. My real name is Monica.

I just don't want my boys to hate me, cause "I took their Dad away."
I know the ex will not hesitate to throw me under the bus when those boys get to be teens.
I wanted to ask diverse group of men what they thought.
My parents are still married, I have no experience with a split up family.

I appreciate the input guys, keep it coming.

[ChampCoupe]

sounds like you are doing the best thing possible for your kids. if he doesnt want to help raise them and be an active part of their life. then you are doing the right thing by not answering the phone. his remarks and words towards you are out of anger bc he knows you are right. Dont worry about what he has to say. Take care of your kids the best way you can. with or without him.

Looks like you are doing pretty good for yourself and children. Best wishes and prayers that you continue to do so.

[HondaB18]

i'd have to hear his side to judge, as much as you don't want to hear that. to keep things unbias

but from your post, why did you get with him in the first place? by your comment about him not truly changing that most likely means he was like this in the beginning

you guys bought 2 kids into this life and introduced him to some messed up parenting (from his end, according to post)

where is the old traditional values that existed? when people got married and had kids when they were ready financially and emotionally

[fatboy1185]

OP, paypal me traveling money and I'll come lay the pain down so thick he'll be calling the ambalamps when I leave..

[deevergote]

The sad thing is, the boys aren't old enough to understand how thoroughly irresponsible their father is (judging by your description only, of course...)
He sounds to me like a very childish, selfish, irresponsible man... who has no right raising children.

I've come to know you a bit on this forum, and I have no doubt that you're an intelligent, motivated woman that truly cares for her children. I've also had the opportunity to talk briefly with your boyfriend when he was posting here, and he also seems like a genuinely good guy.
Your children are without a doubt going to be much better off with you in their lives, and their father kept at the greatest distance possible. They may hate you for it, but that would pass. Your influence will give them a real chance at life. His influence will show them how to be exactly like him. If they hate you for 10 years, until they're old enough to understand, but they become responsible, successful adults... then that's for the best.

The only way to have your kids understand at a young age what sort of man their father is would be to allow him to do something terrible enough that even they get it. And that wouldn't be worth the risk.

[LadyG]

i'd have to hear his side to judge, as much as you don't want to hear that. to keep things unbias
I did my best to write that post with the least amount of emotion possible, and containing the most facts. I have often wondered what "his side" of the story sounds like. Clearly, slanted enough that he convinced another woman to marry him.
but from your post, why did you get with him in the first place? by your comment about him not truly changing that most likely means he was like this in the beginning When your 20, you're an idiot. By the time I realized how ugly this guy was on the inside, I was knocked up. I had hoped that having a family would somehow change things. (Remember,^ idiot.)

you guys bought 2 kids into this life and introduced him to some messed up parenting (from his end, according to post) They were babies, and thankfully don't have a clue. They do not remember us together.

where is the old traditional values that existed? when people got married and had kids when they were ready financially and emotionallyNo one is ever emotionally ready for parenting. Financially? Most of us would not be here. I personally dont believe that money makes you a better parent than someone who doesnt have any. As to those "traditional values"? You'd have to ask him. Other than trying to make that "family" work, I didn't fuck it up.

Your children are without a doubt going to be much better off with you in their lives, and their father kept at the greatest distance possible. They may hate you for it, but that would pass. Your influence will give them a real chance at life. His influence will show them how to be exactly like him. If they hate you for 10 years, until they're old enough to understand, but they become responsible, successful adults... then that's for the best.

The only way to have your kids understand at a young age what sort of man their father is would be to allow him to do something terrible enough that even they get it. And that wouldn't be worth the risk. This is pretty much how I am feeling about the situation. Thanks for the compliments Mike, I appreciate them. I need to know that I am not really being a bitch. Sane women worry about crossing that rationality line.

Oh, and Fatboy, I appreciate the offer, sincerely. But just posting that publicly means I have to say no.