jenn's random jokes :-)

[jennaccord_210]

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[jennaccord_210]

Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[lo-specials]

What was the first thing Jesus said when he came of his cross????


























First my feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

[lo-specials]

Why was Jesus crusified instead of drowned?

Then everyone would have a fishtank above his door!

[lo-specials]

^ im having a blonde moment cause i dont get it

Instead of everyone having a crusifix above his door?

[jennaccord_210]

What was the first thing Jesus said when he came of his cross????

First my feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

^ im having a blonde moment cause i dont get it

[jennaccord_210]

Instead of everyone having a crusifix above his door?

no i mean the 1st joke

[lo-specials]

^ im having a blonde moment cause i dont get it

They released his arms first so he felt on his face

[jennaccord_210]

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[jennaccord_210]

They released his arms first so he felt on his face

oh ... sorry ... get it .. ehhh

[jennaccord_210]

Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[jennaccord_210]

Daughters are curious~~~

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"



bahahahahaha this one made me lol!

[lo-specials]

In 1940 somewhere in Germany in a bar 2 soldiers are talking about today's victory.

1 soldier stood and ordered" 2 beer !"

on the background a parot yells "and 1 coca cola"

The soldier looks at the parot and he is thinking "stupid bird"

Everytime the soldier orders 2 beer the parot yells " and 1 coca cola"

The soldier gets real angry and walks to the parot and takes it by the throat.
"Listen you, stupid bird, when you say one more time 1 coca cola I'll hang you over there just like Jesus!"

After he released him the soldier ordered 2 beer and again "and 1 coca cola"

The soldier is now really pissed and hangs the parot on the wall just like Jesus.


The parot turns his head to Jesus and asked "did you also order 1 coca cola?"

[Juice21]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

oh no thats fucked up lol rofl