If you thought you were fucked up in the head, welcome to hell. *LONG*
If you thought you were fucked up in the head, welcome to hell.
i have as diagnosed: insomnia, narcolepsy (go figure) bi-polar, adhd and depression.
i only take medicine for add/narcolepsy (same pill!) i dont need it either.
in fact i dont NEED anything but it sure helps. i dont think the doctors know what to give me i mean just like every engine is different im different you can only run a basemap as a standard i feel that doctors only give basemaps to people, thier are so many different medications and disorders that only a tune could trully get me performing 100%
i have trouble falling asleep because of insomnia and when i do its forcefully and only half sleep, i have a horrible time waking up and when i do im usually only half awake until nightime. i used to fall asleep in class and i would dream and kids would be like dude you cant dream it takes 90 minutse to enter rem sleep (dreaming)
well i found out im narcoleptic yay! which is where an individual falls into rem sleep almost instantly without pre-rem sleep. luckily i dont fall asleep while driving or anything like that, however i get into phases where i get very tired and its a mental battle to stay awake. and when i do awake its usually about 3 hours later, and i cant go back to sleep at all until about 4 hours later where i again fall asleep and wake up another 3 hours later. and repeat.
ive known i was bipolar for a while but i began to realize it fully after relationship problems.
i know its all chemical driven, sad happy mad whatever and ive come to alot of realizations where i can turn my depression into apathy. i have low norepinephrine levels which is related to the "flight or fight syndrome" and as well as the release (or in my case almost no release) of dopamine (which is a contributing factor in depression, along with seratonin).
they had done tests on monkeys and removed the norepinehprine and when faced with normally frightening or instinctively dangerous situations, the monekys just sat thier, apathetically.
like i said ive learned to deal with it but it still sucks, your having a fine time
at a club, then you just start not want to dance, it becomes boring, hot girls become unintersting you start making it awkward with your friends around, and you say to yourself its mental its all mental you can change it by the way you think. but you cant raise chemical levels by thinking hard enough... theyre absent.
so you just stick it out and hope to have fun. getting smashed doesnt work youll just be smashed and apathetic. its more than just that though, your outlook turns negative, and you cant see past the black cloud in your way.
then you start to think of the times that brought you happiness. i mean those times that you got serious release of dopamine and norepinephrine when you were making with some banging hot girl.... to bad you dont have the chemicals in your brain to feel that way, or REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS, because you physically cant, so your stuck, like the past is erased, like youve never felt good and you never will.
most people freak out at this point, but ive dealt with it before, and no matter each time i tell myself know this is bad, i tell myself everytime it has ended and it WILL end. although my horrible outlook wont let me think that way, i still follow it in hopes of eventual relief.
that is what i deal with from time to time...
now here is what is really fucked up.
im adhd and and insomniac and narcoleptic.
mentally, i will be exhausted, yet physically i will be hyped, IE my foot shaking tapping. my roomates have seen me passed out, moving my foot up and down. i usually do it when im hyper.
my sleep pattern (unless i take my medicine) is something like this
wake 1030 am feel tired, finally get moving about 12 - 1pm. 5 - 6pm i cant keep my eyes open yet i dont feel tired. 7 pm passed out... not good 11pm - 3 am, at somepoint i wake up and cant go back to sleep....
5am - 730 am trying to go to sleep and eventually pass out.
repeat.
hopefully this post isnt to depressing!
a couple nights ago, i woke up crying about my x gf from almost a year ago... i realized waht i was doing, and i regained control, and i mean im fine again, i didnt actually care about her but it was my depression at its most active point, and my xgf being the most saddest thing i can think of.
its like my brain works against me sometimes. i am my own worst enemy.
these are the things people will never know and never see. and for good reason,
first its just kind of strange, second people dont understand how things work, and think thier is something "wrong" with me and third its viewed as a "weakness". and it is. but every superhero has a weakness.
i guess i view myself as an engine that needs to be tuned. sometimes im rich sometimes im lean, and sometimes im a little retarded and others im way to advanced.... then sometimes i just feel like im going to detonate.
now heres the worst part, i used to take adderal which worked great, but i wouldnt sleep for 3 days straight yay for methamphetamine! (actually d-amphetamine)
i did something stupid which ill say later and i had the doctor take me off of it (bad move, now i cant get it back) because of severe crashing (hallucinations). and i cant take sleeping medication, and wakefulness medication, because this is hazardous to my health.
thought i was done? well heres the most fucked up part.
i would try through the use of recreational drugs to help me feel better.
and well the truth is, they work, i mostly used to take lsd, and mushrooms, extacy as well, but not so much extacy. i quit smoking weed along time ago...
this wasnt something daily or weekly or monthly it was when i could get my hands on it. but it turned into a problem too, i was risking my career, school my reputation work basicly my whole life, because of societys negative look on it. when i would take lsd i found that the depression strikes would disappear for months, i no longer needed my medicine to stay awake.
it was almost perfect.
but the people associated with it i did not like, nor the risky business. right before the last time i stopped, i was back from ny in florida and my best friend (just imagine the guy from fear and loathing in las vegas.) with a breifcase full of drugs wants me to chill so long story short, i end up accidently taking 7 hits (thought they were half hits) of lsd and temporarily go into psychosis and made quite a scene out of myself. luckily nothing happend. after that i realized it wasnt something i could do at this time in my life and something i wasnt going to risk for my future, it may have worked, but it wasnt worth the possible consequences.
so that left me back where i was. half-alive.
so on the days that im not half awake, or half asleep or depressed, i love life. which if u dont notice, is not many. but maybe thats what makes those days worth living for.
or then again maybe those days are the manic state of my bi-polar. so im never really sane at one exact point.
its almost 7 am now and i can hear the birds chirping, trance music is still playing from yesterday, and i feel great.
i have as diagnosed: insomnia, narcolepsy (go figure) bi-polar, adhd and depression.
i only take medicine for add/narcolepsy (same pill!) i dont need it either.
in fact i dont NEED anything but it sure helps. i dont think the doctors know what to give me i mean just like every engine is different im different you can only run a basemap as a standard i feel that doctors only give basemaps to people, thier are so many different medications and disorders that only a tune could trully get me performing 100%
i have trouble falling asleep because of insomnia and when i do its forcefully and only half sleep, i have a horrible time waking up and when i do im usually only half awake until nightime. i used to fall asleep in class and i would dream and kids would be like dude you cant dream it takes 90 minutse to enter rem sleep (dreaming)
well i found out im narcoleptic yay! which is where an individual falls into rem sleep almost instantly without pre-rem sleep. luckily i dont fall asleep while driving or anything like that, however i get into phases where i get very tired and its a mental battle to stay awake. and when i do awake its usually about 3 hours later, and i cant go back to sleep at all until about 4 hours later where i again fall asleep and wake up another 3 hours later. and repeat.
ive known i was bipolar for a while but i began to realize it fully after relationship problems.
i know its all chemical driven, sad happy mad whatever and ive come to alot of realizations where i can turn my depression into apathy. i have low norepinephrine levels which is related to the "flight or fight syndrome" and as well as the release (or in my case almost no release) of dopamine (which is a contributing factor in depression, along with seratonin).
they had done tests on monkeys and removed the norepinehprine and when faced with normally frightening or instinctively dangerous situations, the monekys just sat thier, apathetically.
like i said ive learned to deal with it but it still sucks, your having a fine time
at a club, then you just start not want to dance, it becomes boring, hot girls become unintersting you start making it awkward with your friends around, and you say to yourself its mental its all mental you can change it by the way you think. but you cant raise chemical levels by thinking hard enough... theyre absent.
so you just stick it out and hope to have fun. getting smashed doesnt work youll just be smashed and apathetic. its more than just that though, your outlook turns negative, and you cant see past the black cloud in your way.
then you start to think of the times that brought you happiness. i mean those times that you got serious release of dopamine and norepinephrine when you were making with some banging hot girl.... to bad you dont have the chemicals in your brain to feel that way, or REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS, because you physically cant, so your stuck, like the past is erased, like youve never felt good and you never will.
most people freak out at this point, but ive dealt with it before, and no matter each time i tell myself know this is bad, i tell myself everytime it has ended and it WILL end. although my horrible outlook wont let me think that way, i still follow it in hopes of eventual relief.
that is what i deal with from time to time...
now here is what is really fucked up.
im adhd and and insomniac and narcoleptic.
mentally, i will be exhausted, yet physically i will be hyped, IE my foot shaking tapping. my roomates have seen me passed out, moving my foot up and down. i usually do it when im hyper.
my sleep pattern (unless i take my medicine) is something like this
wake 1030 am feel tired, finally get moving about 12 - 1pm. 5 - 6pm i cant keep my eyes open yet i dont feel tired. 7 pm passed out... not good 11pm - 3 am, at somepoint i wake up and cant go back to sleep....
5am - 730 am trying to go to sleep and eventually pass out.
repeat.
hopefully this post isnt to depressing!
a couple nights ago, i woke up crying about my x gf from almost a year ago... i realized waht i was doing, and i regained control, and i mean im fine again, i didnt actually care about her but it was my depression at its most active point, and my xgf being the most saddest thing i can think of.
its like my brain works against me sometimes. i am my own worst enemy.
these are the things people will never know and never see. and for good reason,
first its just kind of strange, second people dont understand how things work, and think thier is something "wrong" with me and third its viewed as a "weakness". and it is. but every superhero has a weakness.
i guess i view myself as an engine that needs to be tuned. sometimes im rich sometimes im lean, and sometimes im a little retarded and others im way to advanced.... then sometimes i just feel like im going to detonate.
now heres the worst part, i used to take adderal which worked great, but i wouldnt sleep for 3 days straight yay for methamphetamine! (actually d-amphetamine)
i did something stupid which ill say later and i had the doctor take me off of it (bad move, now i cant get it back) because of severe crashing (hallucinations). and i cant take sleeping medication, and wakefulness medication, because this is hazardous to my health.
thought i was done? well heres the most fucked up part.
i would try through the use of recreational drugs to help me feel better.
and well the truth is, they work, i mostly used to take lsd, and mushrooms, extacy as well, but not so much extacy. i quit smoking weed along time ago...
this wasnt something daily or weekly or monthly it was when i could get my hands on it. but it turned into a problem too, i was risking my career, school my reputation work basicly my whole life, because of societys negative look on it. when i would take lsd i found that the depression strikes would disappear for months, i no longer needed my medicine to stay awake.
it was almost perfect.
but the people associated with it i did not like, nor the risky business. right before the last time i stopped, i was back from ny in florida and my best friend (just imagine the guy from fear and loathing in las vegas.) with a breifcase full of drugs wants me to chill so long story short, i end up accidently taking 7 hits (thought they were half hits) of lsd and temporarily go into psychosis and made quite a scene out of myself. luckily nothing happend. after that i realized it wasnt something i could do at this time in my life and something i wasnt going to risk for my future, it may have worked, but it wasnt worth the possible consequences.
so that left me back where i was. half-alive.
so on the days that im not half awake, or half asleep or depressed, i love life. which if u dont notice, is not many. but maybe thats what makes those days worth living for.
or then again maybe those days are the manic state of my bi-polar. so im never really sane at one exact point.
its almost 7 am now and i can hear the birds chirping, trance music is still playing from yesterday, and i feel great.
have you cleaned out your PM box...
My brain never wants to shut off even when my body is exhausted.
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