What's your opinion

[VTEC-O]

Ok, let me cut to the chase. I came from work yesterday and my Dad comes in with a letter from an insurance company. He comes to me and asks me what the letter is about, mind you it has my name on the letter. So i politely tell him why did he open up my letter with my name on it?

Next thing you know he gets all upset about because i asked him why he opened my letter. I told him he could have waited till i got home or something. But he was like that he knows which letters under my name he can open up and which letters he cant. Then i was like, thats not right. Its disrespecting me and on top of that its against the law to do so.

Then he comes at me like, "i spent 20 years working long and hard for you (ect. ect.) and now you want me to respect YOU and not open up your letters?" He goes on to say, "i dont care about the Laws, this is my house and i make the Laws. If you dont like it i will continue to open up ALL the letters you recieve. If you need your privacy that much then get your own place"

Im like, calm down it wasnt for all of that. Im not saying you cant read them, all im saying is like you can wait till i come from work or school and i'll open them up in front of you. Hes like, "Im your father and i can open up Any letter i want, because i know which ones to open and which ones i cant. As long as you are under my roof i can do that"

The i told him, you dont see ME opening up your letters do you? He was like "You see thats different. Im your father, you're not my father. Its a totally different concept"

We were pretty much back and forth with that. But my thing is, i didnt want to come off as rude, and sorry if i did. What i really was trying to get across was if you respect me, then you should not open my letters, doesnt matter if they are junk mail or not.

All i know is that he got all mad and bent out of shape because of it.
What this is doing is actually getting me more motivated to move out. Its about time right? Im 19.

What do you think of the situation? All comments welcomed. The more the better.

/end rant.

[zipcreature]

Dear VTEC-O,

Hey man welcome to the board btw.

I would say you should explain to your dad in a calm manner that you are not trying to say you do not appreciate what all he has worked for, but that you are sure that the respect he wants from you, he is willing to give back. In other words, if he wants to be respected he needs to give you your respect.
Make sure to be calm, if either gets heated then leave the house. Not the room, the house. Leave. Then try again later. Leaving will 1) keep from getting nasty and bad things being said (move out...) 2) show your dad you are serious.
Also it is a federal crime to open any letter not addressed to you. Not sure about minors but you are 19 - he is NOT your legal guarding now.

19 is young to move out. The longer you can wait to save money the better. If your not in school then get in school to get some type of simple 2yr degree which will afford you to make a decent living.

Home this was some help. I know its not much but it is late here (3:30am) so I'm out. Later man.

- Zipcreature

- Zipcreature

[wed3k]

it is a lose-lose situation man, you cant really do anything about it because they can kick you out when you are 18.

[deevergote]

It's a normal conflict at that time in a parent/child relationship. Your father knows that his amount of control (for good or bad) is far less than it was a few years ago. It seems that he's trying to retain some of it... to be your father as he has done for the past 19 years, though his role is changing.

At 19, you are capable of taking care of yourself. While life with your parents may be more comfortable and easier than being alone, you're capable of leaving. That concept alone gives you a greater sense of individuality. You can adopt the "you're not the boss of me" attitude in a much more mature manner than, say, when you were 16. In this case, it's partially true.


It's not so much a respect issue as it is a role-changing issue. You're feeling out your urge for independence, and your father is clinging to the "i make the laws" role that has been stable for him now for 19+ years. Things will be a little tense, no doubt, but try to get through it. The best thing you can do is not actively challenge your father. When he opens your mail, tell him that you'd rather open YOUR mail together with him, if he would like, and discuss the contents if necessary. It's his house and his rules, but you're only bound by them if you live there. Don't tell him to respect you, make him respect you with your attitude. Once he comes to terms with the fact that you aren't a child in need of constant monitoring and "fathering" he should mellow out a bit. Just let it ride.

[sj960]

Its definitely messed up that he opened a letter addressed to you and it is definitely against the law for him to do it. But like other people said, he is trying to maintain control in a situation that he knows he is losing it. I definitely agree that (according to how you approached the situation) you were respectful and considerate to him about what was going on. I figure, if you can afford your own place, do it... if not, go to school or learn a trade, do something to get out on your own. There is only so much you can say or do when the roof over your head is still being provided by someone else.
I'm not sure if you made this clear, but do you pay rent? If you do I think you definitely deserve a little more respect... (Like him at least calling you or something before opening YOUR mail!!)
I have been living on my own for almost the past year, I love it, but its definitely a challenge. Bills are tough and working out a budget is a lot harder than I thought it would be, but is not that bad. Plus the sense of freedom I have when I come home to MY place and turn on MY TV and relax on MY couch is awesome!

[PakaloloHonda]

Sooooo ... what *was* the letter about?
New premium? Better quote then what Dad gets?
Life insurance for a *family*? What was it ..? I'm dyin to know .. hehehh

Oi Vay .. I moved out when I was 17 .. nuff said .. the rents suck ..

Happy Holidays !!!
Tomi

[goldenchild722]

Wow. U finally got the "I'm ur father and I do what I want" speech. IMO, I think a majority, if not all of us, went through that stage. Movin out is a wonderful thing, but u gotta look at the reality aspect of it...u got rent, electricity, utilities, cable, etc. That shit adds up pretty quick. Just a word of advice, wait a few days til he calms down, and just ask to speak to him one on one. Let him know that u wasn't comin off at him in a disrespectful way, but tryin to express urself. All it was was a power rampage on your father's behalf. Maybe somethin else pissed him off within the day and he felt he just needed to vent a lil (ie: personal issues, work, etc).

[VTEC-O]

bump for more evening comments

Thanks Zip for the words. I JUST finished school, havent been able to save up money. But i think 19 is too young to move out. Although by the book im already a grown man. I havent seen him the whole day, so i havent able to speak to him. Oh yeah man, i been on the board for a while but some one told me that my post in "Off Topic" dont count.

Deevergote, i understand exactly what you're saying. It seems like hes still trying to control me like if i were a 10-14 year old. But i told him nicely that if he wants we can open the mail together. The only thing i ask for (and i asked nicely) not to open my mail that is addressed to me. Nothing more, nothing less. By that i didnt mean to disrespect him, and by that i wasnt expecting the "I work hard for you for 20 years" speech. Its like he was throwing it in my face. It seems like, "Hey i worked hard for you all these years and you are to do every little thing i say. I am your master".

sj960, I dont pay rent, but i do give my mom 100-150 a week. I dont know if that accounts for nothing, but it doesnt matter. I like helping out. Its like you were saying it is a Federal Offense to open up a mail that is not addresed to you. He told me that he doesnt care about the Law, and that he wont Lose in court. As long as im living under his roof, he can open up any mail under my name. Then i told him, "oh so if my uncle were to live here would you open up his mail too?" He was like, "No because im not his father"...

PakaloloHonda, the letter was about lowering my Premium. Im head of the policy with my Mom. But she pays for it.

goldenchild722, i know what you mean with the Rent and Bills on your own. But i did live by myself for two years. I paid the bills and my parents supplied the rent. Come to think about it, i was out of their lives for like 2-3 years...in their minds they still think im 15-16. But i dont know if i should approach the mail incident again with him. If he doesnt bring it up, i wont bring it up.

Thanks for all the comments guys. They are welcomed. Keep them comming.

[goldenchild722]

goldenchild722, i know what you mean with the Rent and Bills on your own. But i did live by myself for two years. I paid the bills and my parents supplied the rent. Come to think about it, i was out of their lives for like 2-3 years...in their minds they still think im 15-16. But i dont know if i should approach the mail incident again with him. If he doesnt bring it up, i wont bring it up.

Sounds like a plan to me. Besides, If ur ready to take that step once more, there's nothing like ur freedom, and it's such a wonderful thing if u know how to handle it, ya know

[ckyskater733]

your dad can do what he wants and you're gonna have to live with it until you move on. suck it up.

[hondapowered91]

Different Story

i dunno it's different in my situation cuz in my family we just duke it out in the back yard LOL and for those of you who think i'm playin come and hang out with me for a lil while you'll see what i'm talkin bout.

[williamsvt]

your dad can do what he wants and you're gonna have to live with it until you move on. suck it up.

agreed. unless there is a specified renting contract where you give your father a certain amount of money per month, he can do whatever he wants. It sucks, but thats the way it is, he can go through your room for all he wants, because he owns the house, and even tho u might give your mother money, it still doesn't account for rent.


On another note, i like living with my rents. You don't pay rent, you get food, you get a tv, internet, and all other accessories. I could really careless if they open my mail, cause its usually just a bank statement or something else unimportant.

[VTEC-O]

agreed. unless there is a specified renting contract where you give your father a certain amount of money per month, he can do whatever he wants. It sucks, but thats the way it is, he can go through your room for all he wants, because he owns the house, and even tho u might give your mother money, it still doesn't account for rent.
....I could really careless if they open my mail, cause its usually just a bank statement or something else unimportant.

So you're saying to just let it ride? Doesnt matter if he opens my mails or not?
Do you ever feel like you need just a tad bit of privacy? Its all well and good that he has fathered me all these years, but that is not an excused to throw it in my face and stuff.
Thanks for the comment though William.

[minoreparations]

just make him think you don't care anymore. once he sees that it doesn't seem to bother you he might stop. it's worth a shot.