*Rant* Am I wrong?

[Accrdwgnguy]

Well as long as the Dad doesn't show up or send money or gifts, and your BF and you continue to be there for your boys, the more their opinion of the bad dad will change, especially as they get older and really realize it.

[DJ metadelic]

Not much to say since it really wouldn't be any of my business, and it obviously goes deeper than this, but without further elaboration I say "kick him to the curb".

He wasn't good enough then, he probably isn't now. Despite whether or not he's their "real" father. As long as they have a solid father figure in their lives, save yourself the stress.

Hopefully it won't affect them too badly.

[HondaB18]

I did my best to write that post with the least amount of emotion possible, and containing the most facts. I have often wondered what "his side" of the story sounds like. Clearly, slanted enough that he convinced another woman to marry him.

i will take your word for it, i highly doubt he'll find this thread

They were babies, and thankfully don't have a clue. They do not remember us together.

you mentioned that he took care of the kids when they were small, were they kept up with their medical needs? stimulated? stuff that a normal and average kid should have? i meant parenting for their needs not what happened between you two

When your 20, you're an idiot. By the time I realized how ugly this guy was on the inside, I was knocked up. I had hoped that having a family would somehow change things. (Remember,^ idiot.)

18+ and you are considered an adult. if you knew him longer and chose your partner wisely i'm sure you would have prevented this. safe sex helps too

No one is ever emotionally ready for parenting. Financially? Most of us would not be here. I personally dont believe that money makes you a better parent than someone who doesnt have any. As to those "traditional values"? You'd have to ask him. Other than trying to make that "family" work, I didn't fuck it up.

you're right, no one is really emotionally ready for parenting but people do plan for it. a kid doesn't want to know that he or she was an accident. but sadly most kids birthed by young parents are nowadays (most). having money sure doesn't make you a better parent and i'll agree but it does open up a lot of advantages. as a parent you want the very best for your kids right? the best education, the best food, the best home, the best cloths, all those cost money which i'm sure you know already

what done is done and you are now living with your consequences. sucks how your kids have a "deadbeat" dad. you are doing your best and i'm sure that is all they can ask for. if their father is not performing his fatherly duties then cut him off

[PakaloloHonda]

sounds like you are doing the best thing possible for your kids. if he doesnt want to help raise them and be an active part of their life. then you are doing the right thing by not answering the phone. his remarks and words towards you are out of anger bc he knows you are right. Dont worry about what he has to say. Take care of your kids the best way you can. with or without him.

Looks like you are doing pretty good for yourself and children. Best wishes and prayers that you continue to do so.

I could not have put this any better myself .. wow! Well done Champ!
That about takes all of the words right outta my mouth!
I guess they don't call you "Champ" fer nuthin ..

OP, paypal me traveling money and I'll come lay the pain down so thick he'll be calling the ambalamps when I leave..

Fatboy, I appreciate the offer, sincerely. But just posting that publicly means I have to say no.

And this proves to me that you still have that good ole Monica sense of humor.
Hold your chin high gurl .. I stand 100% behind how Champ put it ..
And better yet, Fatboy had the right idea .. set up a paypal account, and if need be,
we'll all chip in for some summer surf shorts ..

Seriously, there's no need to hold back the "emotion" lol!
I've read alotta your threads and posts, to know well enough that you're very articulate
and a well educated "Lady." Therefore .. I know that you're doing the right thing for your children, and yourself.

I have a feeling that you're gonna be A ok..

[texasvtak]

I don't mind being blunt.

I think he's a pos and doesn't deserve you or your kids time.

Sounds like your doing what you should be.

Keep it up, they will chesish you forever for it.

pretty much this.

[LadyG]

you mentioned that he took care of the kids when they were small, were they kept up with their medical needs? stimulated? stuff that a normal and average kid should have?
No.
He did not.
He once left them with a 85y/o old, mentally retarded man(11-13y/oIQ).
For 5 hours.
With the NEIGHBORS kids too(who were also 2-4 as my boys were).
While he went to the club.
The old guy was part of the Ex's extended family.The old guy FREAKED OUT after 5 hours and called the Ex's sister. She calls me, in FL so I can participate in the freakout.
Another time, he left them with a 16y/o preggo chick, who let my boys outside AT NIGHT, in a open yard, unsupervised. His teenage cousin stopped in that night to check who was watching the kids while the Ex was out. The babysitter said, "they went outside." She was watching TV.
He used them to get on Food Stamps, He never took them to the Dr. even though they had state insurance. When he rented their bedroom to the couple with the hygene issues, they slept with him in his mirror lined porn studio bedroom. I just hope when he had company, he put them on the couch, or at least out of the room.
The WORST PART?
I don't know. I will never know for sure.

18+ and you are considered an adult. if you knew him longer and chose your partner wisely i'm sure you would have prevented this. safe sex helps too

Thanks for the Judgment.

you're right, no one is really emotionally ready for parenting but people do plan for it. a kid doesn't want to know that he or she was an accident. but sadly most kids birthed by young parents are nowadays (most). having money sure doesn't make you a better parent and i'll agree but it does open up a lot of advantages. as a parent you want the very best for your kids right? the best education, the best food, the best home, the best cloths, all those cost money which i'm sure you know already

You know what a real advantage is? Having parents that give a fuck. They MAKE advantages and opportunities for their children. Money can buy it too, if your lazy. And I think the "best clothes" are the kids Quicksilver Jeans I picked up at the Thrift Store for 6 bucks. Anyone can do this job right, if they care enough to do it right. Even if you live in a car, or a mcmansion.

And this proves to me that you still have that good ole Monica sense of humor.

Boy I hope that is a compliment...
j/p I kidd.

Hold your chin high gurl .. I stand 100% behind how Champ put it ..
And better yet, Fatboy had the right idea .. set up a paypal account, and if need be,
we'll all chip in for some summer surf shorts ..

Seriously, there's no need to hold back the "emotion"!

Oh, yes there is.

I've read alotta your threads and posts, to know well enough that you're very articulate
and a well educated "Lady." Therefore .. I know that you're doing the right thing for your children, and yourself.

.
I am much better off now; as my partner will look out for our family's interests before his own.
I could not say that about the Ex.

Thanks for the votes of confidence, guys. This shit certainly isn't easy.

[owequitit]

Most of you know I am a Mom.

My BF now was my HS sweetheart; He is good to my older boys, he is good to me, and we just had a baby. My oldest two sons are the product of a Man who is not actively involved. This is a rant about that Man, the nefarious "EX".

When The EX and I split up (about 6yrs ago) He moved first to Utah. He had family that was willing to take him in. For one year after we split, he had the kids. I retained custody; we called it an extended visitation. (In documents filed that have since become invalid.)

He did a shitty job with the boys. After his family got sick of him abusing their good graces and found him his own apt. I received multiple calls from his family “letting me know” about him repeatedly leaving my children with inadequate supervision; especially upsetting because I was 2500 miles away. While he had these kids, I flew out there four times. Each birthday, and twice more; every time I came out, I came with money. I took care of whatever the boys needed at the time; even if it was dishtowels for the kitchen. (So he would stop cleaning up kitchen messes with the same towels he washed my babies with.)

I worked my ass off while they were gone. I got out of my mom’s unfinished garage (where the boys and I had been living when I let The Ex take them) I got a job, and then a better job that would support my family, I found a cute little house to rent; I bought a car. (My CB)

When I got to Utah to bring them home, I found that he had rented the boy’s bedroom to a couple. Neither of whom had good dental hygiene, and I‘m sure he was screwing the dude’s gf.

For four months after I brought them back to Fl, he paid me $100 a month in child support. (“Its all I can afford “ He says. While I was paying 400/mo for childcare alone.) Then he lost his job, and moved to Cali. He paid NOTHING from 1/07, until 7 months ago.

Roughly about the time he got remarried.

Once again, $100 is all he can afford. In the past 7 months he has actually paid that 3 times without some kind of problem. It has not shown up at all 2 of these months. But Money aside; Nothing came for the eldest’s birthday this Feb. He calls irregularly. Forgets about the time difference and calls them after they have gone to bed. He has not physically seen them in over 2 yrs.

And then last week, we had a txt fight, because after nothing came for the eldest’s birthday, I have stopped answering the phone for him. I am sick of having to “do” for him when it comes to HIS relationship with my sons.

He started threatening me, talking about taking my boys away; but what really hurt my feelings was him saying that my boys would hate me for “interfering” in their relationship.
I believe I am protecting them from becoming overly attached to this Man.

Our relationship was abusive in more than one way, and He is a Felon. Also, he COULD NOT keep his pants on, and to my knowledge did not “cheat up”. (UUhhggg.)
I know that he has not truly “changed” shit other than location and women. However, it hurts my feelings to be called a mean, ugly woman.

Please, only respond if you have something actionable to say. You don’t have to agree with me, but please don’t flame.
Thanks.
/rant.

The only thing here that is important is the kids.

I don't think you should be attempting to sensor him for them. I think you should allow him to talk to them and as he calls less and less, and isn't as involved as he should be, they will very quickly figure it out, especially as they get older. He will ultimately bury himself.

However, if you interfere, he has leverage on you with them, and it will seem plausible to them, so they will be more likely to side with him. With the first option, you have nothing to do with anything, and they won't be able to blame you.

And, it will allow them to make up their own minds and forumlate their own opinions, which is ultimately the end goal anyway. The result of that is that they may choose to stay in contact with him, which while you don't like it, isn't really your choice. More often than not though, he will make a bunch of false promises, fail to deliver, they will figure it out, and react accordingly. This is the situation that seems to work out most favorably, although it isn't pain free (what in life ever is?). Also, as long as you provide good grounding and a safe, protective and caring environment for them, they can always come home and will ultimately end up OK as they get older, even if there probably will be some rough patches.

[HondaB18]

Thanks for the Judgment.

i don't meant to judge and i apologize for that. but you are considered an adult when you are 18+. people do stupid things all the time (myself included) but i don't do anything major without thinking of the consequences

You know what a real advantage is? Having parents that give a fuck. They MAKE advantages and opportunities for their children. Money can buy it too, if your lazy. And I think the "best clothes" are the kids Quicksilver Jeans I picked up at the Thrift Store for 6 bucks. Anyone can do this job right, if they care enough to do it right. Even if you live in a car, or a mcmansion.

regarding the money issue, what i meant was being financially prepared for a kid. diapers are not cheap, those are $$$ and same with medical bills. you don't have to be a billionaire or anything but you also shouldn't have a kid when you have like $20 in the bank account. if you can't handle having a kid financially then don't have one, simple. i don't mean to single you out or anything but some people need common sense you seem to have them now but not when you were 20.

imo any cloths will do. kids grow fast and they tend to get things dirty. as long as it is comfortable and warm that is all that matters

point is, anyone would want to provide the best they can for their kids. being financially fit is an advantage over not having any money

good luck on a solution to your problem

[Jkid]

Speaking from a family of law enforcers and attorney's take it to court ASAP. revoke his right to the children and let that be that. he has no right to treat you or HIS children that way. i have seen way to many of cases like this and every time the Judge says "Mother knows best." keep up the awesome work and your children will bend ova backward for you when they get older.

[LadyG]

Speaking from a family of law enforcers and attorney's take it to court ASAP. revoke his right to the children and let that be that. he has no right to treat you or HIS children that way. i have seen way to many of cases like this and every time the Judge says "Mother knows best." keep up the awesome work and your children will bend ova backward for you when they get older.

I wish it was that simple. Unfortunately it is very difficult to take a person's parental rights away. If I went to claim abandonment, they would ask if he has tried to have ANY contact with them in the last 2 years. I would have to stretch the truth a little farther than i'd like to. The Fl statute does read in such a way that I fall into it, but I am not married. They will not take his rights away and give them to a single parent. Draconian, isn't it?

I wonder how much of an economic boost it would give the overall economy for all states to aggressively pursue deadbeat parents? Perhaps instead of making Edu and PBS cuts, we just found all these losers and either made them pay up or GTFO.

He has a son from his first marriage. Their divorce was final shortly before he and I met. I did not know too much about that until found out I was preggo.

His ex-wife and I speak. She is a fine woman, and a good mother, and our boys are half brothers. The state of TN, where she lives, is very aggressive about CS. She wanted her new husband to adopt her boy, but they said unless The Ex gave up his rights that couldn't happen.
So she calls The Ex, and tells him, "You owe Our son 33k, you can either be perused by TN for that money, or sign on the dotted line. He signed.

There is a interesting split in this thread between guys who thing I should let the boys talk to him and those who think that sheltering them is best. Very interesting. I appreciate EVERYONE's input.