This is an article published in the most recent Sport Compact Car. It is called "The Island" by Scott Oldham. It is so true. It is a pretty funny article too.
When I'm the president of Earth, my first order of business will be to designate an island as a sort of maximum-security prison. I got the idea the other night while watching the brilliant epic "Escape from New York" on DVD. If you haven't seen this most excellent film, which was directed by John Carpenter and stars Kurt Russell as bad-@ss Snake Plissken, you're really missing out. Set in a dark future that is 1997, Snake is sent to rescue the president of the United States, whose plane crashed on Manhatten Island en route to a world summit conference. The president, by the way, is carrying papers crucial to the survival of the United States, and Snake has 24 hours to pull off the rescue or he will be killed by two timed devices the government injected into his body. The problem is, Manhatten is no longer a thriving metropolis filled with Wall Street geeks and yenta ladies who lunch. Instead, it's a walled housing facility for 3 million of the country's lowest lowlifes who are left on their own to prey on each other. To keep the scum contained, the surrounding water has been electrified, the tunnels have been destroyed and the assorted bridges mined, so Plissken enters by glider, which he lands on top of the south tower at the World Trade Center.
Cool movie, however, I've decided my island will differ from the one in the movie in two ways. First of all, it will not house thieves, rapists and murderers. When I'm president, those people will simply be executed. Instead, my island will house people who simply annoy me. And second, my island, which I've decided will be named Scott Island, will be farther from civilization and in a much harsher climate than Manhatten.
So far my list of detainees includes:
1) Anyone associated with the Sylvester Stallone movie "Driven"
2) Anyone who drives an SUV because it's safer and/or fun to drive
3) The jughead at Honda who continues to veto the selling of the Civic Type-R and RSX Type-R in America
4) Chris Bangle
5) Whoopi Goldberg
6) Anyone who drives slower than 85 mph in the left lane
7) People who think they're good drivers but have never heard of Skip Barber or Bob Bondurant
8) People who don't use their turn signals
9) People who tailgate motorcyclists
10) People who think "The Dukes of Hazzard" is beneath them
11) People who wear white socks with sandals or dark socks with shorts
12) Phil Collins
13) People who drink and drive
14) Ashton Kutcher
15) Every girl who turned me down in high school
16) The d*ck who stole my Kawasaki ZX-7 back in '95
17) Lawyers
18) Tony George
19) Helio Castroneves
20) Derek Daly
21) The guy who designed the Pontiac Aztec
22) His boss for signing off on it
23) Ron Zarella
24) Anyone who doesn't support the brave men and women serving in our armed forces around the world
25) Anyone who burns an American Flag
26) Any American who doesn't vote
27) Any American who has the nerve to travel to France in the wake of that nation's recent voting against us in the UN Security Council because it was secretly doing business with Saddam Hussein
28) France
29) Oprah
30) People who put ketchup on hot dogs
31) People who put mustard on hamburgers
32) People who sue McDonald's because they're fat
33) People who sue tobacco companies because they have lung cancer
34) Guys who ditch their friends when they have a girlfriend
35) Guys who would rather hang with some chick than help you install a tunnel ram and two Holleys on your '55 Chevy like they said they would
36) People who think gasoline is expensive in America
37) Boy bands
38) P. Diddy
39) Guys who buy great cars like BMW M3s and Mercedes-Benz E55s and never drive them hard
40) Jerks who put huge, heavy 19- or 20-inch wheels on their M3s and E55s because they make the car faster
41) Vegetarians
42) Telemarketers
43) Guys who don't paint their body kits before they put them on their cars
44) People who think a whole lot of nitrous is a true substitute for a well-engineered engine
45) People who never floor the gas pedal
46) Ralph Nader
47) Ralph Shaheen
48) Ralph Malph
49) 4x4 boneheads
50) Environmentalist weenies who want us all to drive some electric-powered sh*tbox
Who would be on your island and why?
When I'm the president of Earth, my first order of business will be to designate an island as a sort of maximum-security prison. I got the idea the other night while watching the brilliant epic "Escape from New York" on DVD. If you haven't seen this most excellent film, which was directed by John Carpenter and stars Kurt Russell as bad-@ss Snake Plissken, you're really missing out. Set in a dark future that is 1997, Snake is sent to rescue the president of the United States, whose plane crashed on Manhatten Island en route to a world summit conference. The president, by the way, is carrying papers crucial to the survival of the United States, and Snake has 24 hours to pull off the rescue or he will be killed by two timed devices the government injected into his body. The problem is, Manhatten is no longer a thriving metropolis filled with Wall Street geeks and yenta ladies who lunch. Instead, it's a walled housing facility for 3 million of the country's lowest lowlifes who are left on their own to prey on each other. To keep the scum contained, the surrounding water has been electrified, the tunnels have been destroyed and the assorted bridges mined, so Plissken enters by glider, which he lands on top of the south tower at the World Trade Center.
Cool movie, however, I've decided my island will differ from the one in the movie in two ways. First of all, it will not house thieves, rapists and murderers. When I'm president, those people will simply be executed. Instead, my island will house people who simply annoy me. And second, my island, which I've decided will be named Scott Island, will be farther from civilization and in a much harsher climate than Manhatten.
So far my list of detainees includes:
1) Anyone associated with the Sylvester Stallone movie "Driven"
2) Anyone who drives an SUV because it's safer and/or fun to drive
3) The jughead at Honda who continues to veto the selling of the Civic Type-R and RSX Type-R in America
4) Chris Bangle
5) Whoopi Goldberg
6) Anyone who drives slower than 85 mph in the left lane
7) People who think they're good drivers but have never heard of Skip Barber or Bob Bondurant
8) People who don't use their turn signals
9) People who tailgate motorcyclists
10) People who think "The Dukes of Hazzard" is beneath them
11) People who wear white socks with sandals or dark socks with shorts
12) Phil Collins
13) People who drink and drive
14) Ashton Kutcher
15) Every girl who turned me down in high school
16) The d*ck who stole my Kawasaki ZX-7 back in '95
17) Lawyers
18) Tony George
19) Helio Castroneves
20) Derek Daly
21) The guy who designed the Pontiac Aztec
22) His boss for signing off on it
23) Ron Zarella
24) Anyone who doesn't support the brave men and women serving in our armed forces around the world
25) Anyone who burns an American Flag
26) Any American who doesn't vote
27) Any American who has the nerve to travel to France in the wake of that nation's recent voting against us in the UN Security Council because it was secretly doing business with Saddam Hussein
28) France
29) Oprah
30) People who put ketchup on hot dogs
31) People who put mustard on hamburgers
32) People who sue McDonald's because they're fat
33) People who sue tobacco companies because they have lung cancer
34) Guys who ditch their friends when they have a girlfriend
35) Guys who would rather hang with some chick than help you install a tunnel ram and two Holleys on your '55 Chevy like they said they would
36) People who think gasoline is expensive in America
37) Boy bands
38) P. Diddy
39) Guys who buy great cars like BMW M3s and Mercedes-Benz E55s and never drive them hard
40) Jerks who put huge, heavy 19- or 20-inch wheels on their M3s and E55s because they make the car faster
41) Vegetarians
42) Telemarketers
43) Guys who don't paint their body kits before they put them on their cars
44) People who think a whole lot of nitrous is a true substitute for a well-engineered engine
45) People who never floor the gas pedal
46) Ralph Nader
47) Ralph Shaheen
48) Ralph Malph
49) 4x4 boneheads
50) Environmentalist weenies who want us all to drive some electric-powered sh*tbox
Who would be on your island and why?
The latest article has a pretty cool article about street sleepers in it. Check it out.
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